GodSpeed
by KristKP
Summary: Based on the Kurt Cobain graphic, Ron Stoppable's life with a dark twist.
1. Chapter 1 The Introduction

Godspeed

_Based on the Kurt Cobain graphic._

By Krist

Chapter 1 – The Introduction.

You may not know me all that well. My name is Ronald Stoppable, but I prefer just Ron. Growing up I was a happy child, with kind and generous parents, who were always there for me when I needed them the most, and would tuck me in at night when it was my bedtime. I usually only spend around three hours sleeping… the rest I sped dreaming… dreaming of riding my three-wheeler down a hot and sunny Middleton summer day, dreaming of travelling the world helping people and dreaming of becoming a world famous rock star. Yes, I was quite the dreamer back in the day. My first day of kindergarten changed everything. I was no longer the happy kid that I once was. I was isolated from every social group. I was alone and afraid… afraid that I would never be happy again. During that day, I met a special girl. Her name? Kim Possible. Yeah, I know, strange name, but she was special. She stayed my friend whilst growing up.

It wasn't till I was a pre-teen that I discovered how much of a great friend she really was. I spent everyday with her, except for the days she went on holiday, I spent those days dreaming. Our whole lives were turned around when she made her website. We got a major hit, requiring Kim to put her life into danger to save two rich men. Of course, Kim did it in a flash. Kim can do anything. That day I learnt it. That day I'll remember forever. It was the same day I got my beloved pet, Rufus. A naked mole-rat… my best bud. I started realising… my dream was being lived. We became a duo, a team that would save the world repeatedly from demented villains and the like.

Growing up I was never a popular person. It was always Kim who had the activities to go to; cheer practice, community service… she was amazing. I used to spend my days walking through the halls, allowing the shadows in the corridors to throw their litter at me, and talk about me behind my back. I tried to ignore it, and eventually I could with help from Rufus. Though these times were never "fun", Kim was always there for me, and that's all that mattered.

As we aged, we started doing more things together. We started seeing movies regularly at the local multi-plex, we had regular outings to Bueno Nacho; my all-time favourite eatery. Everything seemed to be going right for once. With Rufus and Kim at my side, nothing could stop me… that's what I thought… that's what I dreamt…

Oh, how wrong I was.

The prom: the social event of the year, the end of an era. The person you went with made a statement. This was all happening behind my back whilst I was dreaming. I had no idea what I had got myself into. I let Kim out of my grasp. She had found another guy. Taller. Stronger. Better looking. It was this point in my life the white noise started. It's easy to do drugs when you're sixteen. At this age, drugs are cool: you can't escape that. You think they make you look cool… and they sure as hell make you feel cool. But you have to survive to be cool, and you've got to be cool. The drugs amplified the voices in my head, they started to eat away at my skull. My thoughts were haunted by continual voices: "Look at what you've done. How could you let this happen? It's not too late! Why don't you kiss her?"

It was almost unbearable. Almost uncontrollable. Luckily, I had Rufus. He helped me through the dark, allowed me to see the light that was the truth. Tell her how you feel. It was so obvious, yet the voices almost made me miss it.

It was the night of the prom, and I was getting ready. The voices returned to me. "What are you doing?" They haunted me, hurt me, helped me. "What if she says no? What if she wants Erik". The voices had won the battle. I gave up, I decided to not go. To not tell her how I felt. I let the white noise plague my head. Let it rot through me whilst I rode to Bueno Nacho, all the while ignoring Rufus.

Isn't it funny when the unexpected happens when you expect it?

I thought so too.

Drakken's plot had wound up leaving me racing towards the prom, in hopes to find Kim. My saviour. My heart and soul. Only she could save me now… and not just from the killer diablos chasing my bike, but from the voices that consumed my thoughts.

The voices that would not leave me alone.

Arriving at the prom, Kim was the only one to believe my story. She's the only one who understands. Together again it felt so good, I could almost feel the voices melting from my head. At least I thought that's what it was, it could have been the ceiling crumbling on top of me as Kim fought the now giant diablos.

The next thing I knew we were racing off to save Erik. The voices returned. "You don't have to do this. Let him die, then she can be yours". I struggled to ignore the disturbing thoughts and focused on Kim. My one and only; fighting Shego on the platform above my head. A loud kick and Shego was out of the fight. I saw Erik, the bastard, he was up there, hugging my girl. I rushed up there, hoping to knock him out, to discover that he had already done that to Kim. My Kim. Unconscious in his arms. I felt my mind explode with rage. I charged towards him but was stopped by that bitch.

I wish I was on drugs that day… it wouldn't have been so painful.

Little did I know that this day actually turned out to be the best day of my life. After the whole Drakken fiasco we returned to the prom, and for some reason, the fuckers were cheering for us. Well, that's what they wanted me to think. They were actually cheering for Kim, they wanted her to get laid. We shared an intimate moment on the dance floor, a kiss that I will always remember. No matter how many drugs I take, or how many voices control my head. I will always remember that kiss. Kim: my soul, my life, my heart.


	2. Chapter 2 New Feelings

Chapter 2 – New feelings.

I am sixteen and a half years old… I'm half way there.

I've just started senior year… I have a beautiful girlfriend who I've known for the whole of my life. This should be the happiest time I've had in all my fucking life.

But the white noise remained.

It burnt through me like a flame, it made me feel uneasy, unloved. Unbelievable. My dreams changed drastically. No more sunny days, no more world saving.

But suicide…

Suicide. Whisper it, go on. People think of it as an ugly reality, but at such a young age I could see the beauty in it. I guess for some people, suicide is a virus; a sick joke with a punch line. It's hard to find people with the balls to actually do it. I dreamt of those people and how they felt, it was just like a happy ending.

A new word entered the house like the plague. My dad sat me down on my own whilst my mother was out for some unknown reason. The white noise took over as he talked. "Blah blah blah DIVORCE blah blah DIVORCE blah blah blah DIVORCE", his hands were vigorously caressing his legs as he spoke. He lent his head down, trying to hide the tears that spilt from his eyes. With all this laid out in front of me, even I could understand:

She'd be back. He'd be leaving.

Sometimes it's hard to understand sitches like this… but inside my blonde head, it made its own kind of sense;

Mother hates Father, Father hates Mother. Ron hates Father, Father hates Mother. It was all a game, and they invited me along for the ride. It didn't take long to acquire a taste for anger. And with anger came blood, as the rage dripped from my wrists onto the carpet.

I searched for reassurance from Kim, my love, my life. She took me in her arms, wiped my wrists and then my eyes, kissed my forehead.

"Don't worry, Ron, you're gonna be fine. I'll take care of you"

They always said she could do anything…

But the voices in my head said otherwise.

"So how was therapy?" Kim questioned whilst sitting on my bed.

"It was cool" I picked up Rufus from the table and stroked him. "It's like there… they can understand what I'm saying."

"That's great". Kim beckoned me onto the bed. "Hey, I spoke to your dad while you were gone; he's trying to get hold of you. He left a couple of messages on the machine."

"You erased them right?"

Imagine the nerve for my father to make peace with me after what he's put me through. The one who gave me my name… the so called "Mr. Stoppable". I dreamt at school that he would suffer for what he had done. It sickened me. I continued to dream whilst I inhaled more of my medicine. I started to calm… but the voices didn't.

Each day at school made my stomach hate me a little more. I could feel the nausea rising up from my toxic waist, shouting at me. Screaming at me.

Telling me I can't go on. Allowing the white noise to tear apart what was left of my brain. I could tell Kim was worried. Every time I walked the halls of this horrible building I could see her with Monique, tears streaming down her face.

"What the fuck is wrong with her?" I'd ask myself. "I'm the one with the problems".

I started seeing a doctor for my stomach issues. He said it was some kind of problem with my diet, and we needed to discuss it. There was no way in hell that I would stop eating at Bueno Nacho. I don't give a fuck what this quack thinks… I'll eat what I want. I just turned to him.

"Mother fucker!", storming out of the room I imagined the look on his face, and the reaction I would get if I had chosen to stay. I felt I did the right thing coming to Kim once again.

"I've said this before, but now it's worse. I'm losing everything, Kim."

"Ron, you gotta get a grip. You're really scaring me… I love you"

Kim Possible, the feisty teenage heroine. She wasn't my lover, she was my heroine. And we all need a heroine.

The needle breathes warm and happy thoughts into my arm, thoughts that burns into a flower throughout my body. Everything around me becomes hot, and rich. I think I can smell bonfires. All this happened while I dreamt of Kim. My heroine. She takes away all the pain I have ever known. She silences the screams in my stomach and leaves them in my head where they belong.

The end of my senior year was upon me, and me and Kim were planning on getting an apartment together. Just me, Rufus, her and the voices in my head. It was this moment I realised that maybe she really can do anything.

Maybe she is all that.

As we said our goodbyes to the school that change our lives, the school that made me what I am: a fucked up kid with voices in his head, we moved on to our next destination.

Good riddance.


	3. Chapter 3 Next Destination

Chapter 3 – Next destination

In England, they were calling us "The Batman and Robin it's okay to like." I hated being compared to that fag, but I put up with it, for Kim. After all, she had put up with my fuck ups, so it's more than fair to keep my mouth shut. I don't know why, but England loved us, we were big. We were huge.

We started doing interviews for the national newspapers in Europe. I used to dream about being in an interview. I'd sit in my room as a kid and dream about what I would say in interviews. I used to love the idea of the people reading about me in the news, watching me on the television, hanging on my every word. I guess that's why they call them dreams, because that's not what was happening here. I was nothing more than a hero's boyfriend. The buffoon. The one no-one cared about.

Just like back at school.

I guess having our own place was a positive. I mean, what can be bad with sleeping in the same bed as Kim? I just wanna let you know, Kim Possible is the best fuck in the world. That's one thing I'm sure about, and one thing nobody could ever tell me otherwise. It's not like they knew anyway. Every day I thought it could be the start of a new life for me. And I thought for sure that I was gonna come out of this experience with a new outlook.

Isn't it funny when the expected happens when you least expect it?

I didn't think so this time.

They returned to me like a fucking boomerang. I couldn't stop them. Kill them. Drown them. The voices kept me awake… kept me from dreaming.

"You don't have to be this way" they would burn into my head.

"Realise your dream. Just try it".  
I guess all the heroine didn't help. Maybe that's what caused them to come back. Maybe. Fuck it, I thought it was worth a shot. After all, it was my dream, wasn't it? I haven't dreamed in so long I've completely forgotten.

The next mission came; Drakken… again. He was threatening France with his new doomsday cannon. Of course Kim said she'd be there…

But Kim couldn't find me anywhere and Rufus was just as lost. Oh, and I already found out about that tracking chip. Whilst getting my stomach checked, they found the chip and removed it. I had already went ahead to solve the problem myself, and boy was Shego happy when I arrived.

But I don't think Shego appreciated my talents as much as I did.

She didn't say it, but the look on her blood-stained, unconscious head more than screamed it, just as loud as the screaming voices in my head. Drakken pissed himself, rushing off with Shego in his arms completely forgetting about his doomsday device.

I always wanted to know what recognition felt like. It was like a conversation with the universe. Before I knew it, the press were after me. Now, people on the streets were calling my name, coming up to me and asking about my life. Questions. The questions kept coming, kept repeating. All I could do was answer them with as much truth as possible, without delving too far into my personal life.

Returning home to Kim was bittersweet. She was happy for me and my new found fame, I guess you could say she was proud. But, there was a dark thought behind it. She had found out what I did to Shego, let's just say she was upset.

Maybe upset was putting it mildly.

She would cry a lot. She shut me out for a while. I felt completely lost without her, my heroine, so I had to resort to my other love. One I wish I could share with her. As I stuck the needle in my arm I felt the pressure lifted from me, the voices quietened, the screams in my stomach silenced, and my thoughts of Kim paused.

I guess when you're dreaming, you don't realise what you have at that moment.

After talking it out, we got close again. She forgave me for the brutal damage I did to Shego, and I guess you could say we made up. It's been a long time since I've heard Kim scream in pleasure, the sound was intoxicating. She made me feel special. She made me feel happy.

She made me feel.

Things were different now. Kim would go off to college every weekday, while I would go out on the missions. I promised Kim that the thing with Shego wouldn't happen again. It's hard to keep your word when you're so fucking angry. Though things were different, at this point in time, it was for the better. I was finally living my dreams. Dreams of heroism. I loved the spotlight, it's what kept me going. But there were so many missions. So many missions, by now I guess I made the decision to become a junkie. But it didn't feel like a decision, more like a vocation.

As I screamed at the villains, my stomach screamed at me. I wasn't recovering, I was getting worse and she was the only thing that made it any better.

I guess to the people on the outside, looking in, it looked pretty fucking scary.

Kim had no idea what was going on in my head, or in my spare time. She didn't know that I had the voices, she didn't know that I felt like shit everyday. And she sure as shit didn't know about my addiction.

Maybe that's why fame always ends up fucking you in the ass.

"Ron Stoppable: Hero Junkie". I guess the Middleton newspapers seem to feed off rumours, as I never told anyone.

I don't think Kim understood why.

No matter how much I denied it, Kim didn't believe me. She was smart like that, she knew I was hiding something all along. It took her a while to accept what had happened, and with a promise to come clean, she said she'd help. I said I'd do it. For myself. For her.

And for the baby we were going to have.


	4. Chapter 4 Nobody's Home

Chapter 4 – Nobody's Home

By now, I was the biggest thing since The Beatles. At first you think that saving the world is no big, but when it takes you away from the things you love… it becomes more of a chore. I wanted to be with Kim. I wanted to help her through this time.

Interview after interview after interview. They all wanted to talk to me. "How would you describe your life?" They all wanted to know about me. "What does the term 'hero' mean to you?" They all thought they knew me. "There's a lot of evil in the world, but what do you do for fun?" But in reality they didn't know anything. When you realise your dreams it tells you a lot about who you are. And if you do realise your dreams, you sure as shit better know what to do with them. I usually think about so much, and yet I can only think of one thing… over and over in my head, like a mantra; "I don't want to be here"

I don't want to be here.

There's only one place I want to be. I want to be home, with my Kim. I wanted to be at her side. I wanted to be with her through thick and thin. But I chose to do the right thing, and I started going to rehab. Of course, I got my agents to cover me.

"We are sorry to announce that Ron Stoppable will not be able to answer your hits on his website for a while, he is suffering from a congenital stomach disorder… which makes it near impossible for him to do anything while it is inflamed. He is of course seeking out medical attention, and hopes to get back to business as usual as soon as possible. Thank you"

"Would you like to make any comment on the rumours surrounding Ron's drug use?"

"We have no further comment at this time"

Her skin smells like milk. As I stand beside her in the hospital bed, the nurse puts the device on her stomach. A distorted image appeared on the screen next to her. "That's your baby" The nurse pointed to the screen.

"That's our baby, Ron" Kim looked up to my now crying eyes with a smile.

"That's our baby" I responded, wiping the tears from my eyes. "Well, I guess we'd better get married…"

I started the day waking up next to Kim, lying there. We hugged for hours, just talking. Later, I went off to save Canada from Drakken and his new giant robot. I used to love Canada as a kid, I dreamed of being famous there.

It was like I had no dreams left, they had all come true. There was nothing left to chase, no prize that hadn't already been awarded.

I remember injecting the gold into my arm whilst watching CNN. They were doing a report on the rumours of my drug abuse. I wasn't really paying attention.

I guess I took a little too much.

Kim walked in and found me lying on the bedroom floor, the TV still on. She rushed over and sat on top of me, pounding my chest.

"Fuck you! You don't get to do this! Fuck you!" She got up and started dragging me by the feet out of the bedroom.

"Fuck You!" She dragged me into the bathroom and laid me under the shower. She turned it on full blast.

"Fuck you!" As the water pounded against my head she just kept repeating those two words. The water drenched my clothes, my face dripping with water. Almost like hers. I woke up with a loud gasp, breathing heavily. I looked up, she was sitting on the toilet, crying into her hands. She looked up at me, and I could see the look of fear on her face when I looked at her. My face was stern, pale, frowning.

"Fuck you!" I responded.

The new best day of my life came. We were in paradise, on the beach, the wind running through our hair. The sound of the ocean in the background.

"I do"

"I do"

I've never been very good at happy endings. Will this one do? Shall we quit now while we're ahead?

Okay. I was pretty medicated that day, and I couldn't stand up too good, but love is a powerful thing you know. With the wind still blowing the palm trees in the background, Kim and I kissed. We were such a great couple.

This is as beautiful as it gets.

I was lying in a hospital bed, wired up to a machine next to me. Medical facilities are nothing if not adaptable. A wife can go through labour on the maternity wing, while a husband sweats Junk out of his system down the hall.

I needed to get clean for my wife.

Kim burst in through the door, a look of pain, fear and slight anger on her face. "If you think I'm giving birth to this child on my own, you're crazy. Get out of bed!" I needed to get clean for my wife.

For my child.

She took me to her room. Whilst lying on the bed, she held my hand, which still had that tube stuck in it. I think Kim was more worried about me than the horror show going on between her legs. It was hard to keep my head up, I still had the shakes pretty bad.

But she did it. And seeing her resolve just made me even more determined to get clean. For my wife. For my child.

For my daughter.


	5. Chapter 5 Time to wake up

Chapter 5 – Time to wake up

I have never known such joy.

Such complete simplicity of feeling. Just joy. That's all. As I sat with her in my arms on our double bed, Kim took pictures with her new digital camera.

She grips my finger and stares at me, her nose wrinkling a little with confusion. "What is this world?" She seems to be saying. I make goofball faces at her and she laughs, the sound as innocent as a birdsong. She is so unblemished. So new. She is Jen. She is me, and she is Kim.

We are family.

But our world collapsed early one Monday morning. During her pregnancy, Kim had done an interview with some whore from some pornography that claimed to be a magazine. They painted a picture of a junkie couple, putting the life of their unborn child at risk. Nevermind that Kim had been clean her whole life, it seemed social services believed everything they read… like some huge mutual masturbation, the media all sniffed out the story and lit the match. This shit was being reported as truth. Jen was taken away from us. My beautiful Jen. My perfect Jen.

I guess I took it badly.

As a looked up at Kim, tears in my eyes, looking at me in the reflection of her crying eyes. We were on our knees, and I was pointing a gun at her.

"You promised! We had a deal! If anything happened to take our baby away from us…"

"-No…No! I want us to live! I want us to fight!" She persuaded me, that instead of killing ourselves, that I try to stay clean.

I was trying to stay clean. Jesus knows I was trying. But for some hero junkie, there's always someone willing to get you more. There's always someone scratching your back, in the hope that one day you'll scratch theirs. By this stage I was doing enough to kill a man. I was disappearing into the white more regularly now. Pushing myself further out to that void where nothing hurt. Where the white noise was unmistakable.

It was a song I couldn't help but sing along to. It was a song that had always been in my heart.

I knew the words.

Sometimes, the love and attention of a beautiful wife is too big, it can even drown out the white noise. Combined with the white noise, it's still a noise. But it's a beautiful noise. The white noise brought out the stars that night.

The white noise brought you back to me.

For what seemed like forever we fought for her. Nearly emptied the bank with legal bills and doctor's appointments. But I got myself off the dope… at least for a while. A couple of cups of pure-as-the-driven-snow piss later, we had her back.

Kim and I were like kids again. Three kids all back together. As I held little Jen's legs while she was lying on the bed, she giggled as Kim tickled her belly. I held her close to my face and let her little brown eyes like into mine, and her little hands touch my chin. Kim and I were happy. We were punch drunk, but we were happy.

I'm so sick of being disappointed.

With our success with Jen, we bought a new house. Our dream house. Kim fell in love with the place, she couldn't wait to start furnishing it…turning it into a home… Just as soon as she got back from her business trip.

I'm not good when left to my own devices. My own devices aren't in the best of shape.

My own devices don't work.

My inner angel would scream:

"GOD DAMN, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ALMIGHTY…LOVE ME, ME, ME, WE COULD GO ON A TRIAL BASIS, PLEASE…I DON'T CARE IF IT'S THE OUT-OF-THE-IN CROWD, A GANG, A REASON TO SMILE… I WON'T SMOTHER YOU, AH SHIT, SHIT, PLEASE… I WANT TO BE ACCEPTED:"

"I'LL WEAR ANY KIND OF CLOTHES YOU WANT. I'M SO TIRED OF CRYING AND DREAMING… I'M SO ALONE. IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE?"

My mum has been in touch with me sporadically, since my new found fame. She followed my career with interest. Kim and her sure get along.

Now my father was coming around. We met again for the first time in a lifetime of sorts. My mum and dad back in my life? … I can't see it happening.

There's a lot of things I can't see. The dream is moving too quickly now, gathering speed.

Kim was lying in her bed one night, and then woke up to hug me. "Mmm, Ron?" She got up to find me not in bed. She looked down to see me on the floor, sleeve pulled up, needles all over the floor, and a band around my arm.

Something inevitable is drawing near. They said it was a cry for help. I don't agree.

I never made a sound.

As loud sirens from the ambulance echoed in the empty street, Kim looked down at me in the stretcher, crying over the mask that kept me alive. Every night, Kim would sit at the end of my hospital bed crying as I dreamt in my drug coma.

But the fact remains that Team Possible have hit a major bump in the road… and it's anyone's guess as to whether or not they survive this.

The white noise used to fuel me, give me strength. Now I was drowning in it, and I wanted out. I remember when Kim found me in the cupboard, injecting myself again. She was pissed beyond words.  
"Not in the fucking hours! You want to destroy yourself, fine… but not in our daughter's fucking house you fucking selfish retard!"

Remember when I told you about the voices screaming in my head. Now those voices were mine. Mine and Kim's.

"You selfish fucking prick if you won't do it for yourself and you won't do it for me then do it for Jen you fucking self obsessed piece of shit slob junky prick I love you I hate you I love you blah blah blah" Kim screamed into my head. Into my sould, and I screamed back just as loud.

"I've tried believe me I've tried it's because of Jen that I do this I'm better off gone from this world can't you fucking see what I've become this emaciated little junky icon the yellow skinned dwarf they all call me shut the fuck up I need nothing she will be better off without me we will all be better off without me".

Pretty soon Jen would be old enough to understand that. Darling Jen…My darling little girl. I'll be at your altar.

"Jesus dude… you keep doing that much and you're gonna kill yourself" the girl who was supplying me with my gold would shout at me. But I disagree. No. That's not how I die.

One day I came home and walked into what they called an intervention. Your loved ones sit you down and bludgeon you with what a shit you've been, and all the reasons why you need to change.

"Ron, be a man". "Do it for your daughter, I'm going to divorce you if you don't get help". "Come on Ron. It's time to be smart about this". "Ron, it's time to grow up".

Well, it got me into rehab one last time. Drawing pictures with all the other junkies. Empathy aching inside me again.

The dream is nearing an end.

I called our baby-sitter and ask to see Jen, I told her that it would help me through this. She rushed right on over.

"It's great to see you doing this, Ron. We're all so happy you're finally getting the help you need, you know? We'd better be going… We'll see you tomorrow"

"Ok. Thanks for bringing my baby."

I held her up to my face one last time. Her eyes looking deep into my eyes. In my head, I hoped she would pick up on what I was trying to say.

Goodbye.

…I love you…

I'm sorry. I can't do this. I'm so fucking sorry.

I got all my stuff together and left the room. I rushed outside and jumped the wall to freedom. I was gone. I was free.

Kim was scared shitless.

"I need you to tell me where my fucking husband is. BITCH…" Kim screamed down the phone. "Fucking bitch"

She kicked the door to my room open, but I was nowhere to be found. "Are you still there? Where are you?"

…Nobody's home…

There is a sense of calm. Once you've figured out the happy ending. A sense of relief, a sense of purpose. I walked down the long garden with the heavy weapon in hand. I will not fuck this up. I entered the house and walked up the stairs.

Let's dream this together. There is no way of convincing those that live on, not from here… but this can be a happy ending. I'm sure of that. The dream won't die. The dream will live on. This has to be a happy ending. Fuck, I'm gonna make this a happy ending.

Even if it kills me.

I need towels. This is going to make a mess. This will be the last mess anyone is going to have to clean up for me. As I climb the stairs to the top floor of the garage, the white noise is louder, and whiter, than it ever has been. Prickling behind my ears.

Can you hear that? My heart, beating a little faster? Well take my word for it… it is.

China white heroine. Too much of it. One last hit. The biggest hit I'll ever have.

Bigger than Team Possible. Bigger than Drakken. Bigger than the true love of a woman seemingly made for me. Bigger than a daughter whose face reminds me of someone I lost a long time ago, I cannot bare to look at it anymore. Bigger than the realisation of every dream I could conjure.

I load the shotgun, and point it to my head.

There will be other dreams. But this dream…

Is done.

Ron wakes up now.

Ron wakes up now.


End file.
